maverik86

All around the world at this time of year
Old Saint Nick spreads his holiday cheer.
Handing out sweaters and candies and toys
to every last good little girl and boy.

Twas the night before Christmas and down at the bux
Not a creature was stirring, no one was wearing a tux.
(well except for Kai, but he's always mixing another drink and dressing up like Mr Peanut. Top hat, monocle, tuxedo, real classy stuff)

Lettuce was on her way home with boxes of rainbows
She decided to stop in, to get a Tazo
The joint was empty or so it appeared
Lettuce thought to herself 'Hmm this is weird'

'Hello? Is anyone here', she said with a sigh
'Oh would you shut the fuck up', someone said, it was Kai.
Donna and Kai were sat on the floor
Behind the counter, with a bottle of whiskey in store.

'Oh no', cried Lettuce, 'you two look drunk.'
'No that is you, it's always you, you're drunk'
Kai was off making no sense, and Lettuce was amused
Whenever she talked to Kai she was very enthused

'I can hardly wait for Christmas', Lettuce said with a smile
'Christmas, fuck, that's not gonna be here for awhile.'
'It's tomorrow, you fool',she said 'I'm getting a pony'
Kai looked up at her and said 'I'll show you a pony'
(Kai pumped his arm back and forth simulating an oil derrick. It was also quite apparent that Kai had a profound misunderstanding what an oil derrick was or did.)

Lettuce strutted into the back and there a rang such a clatter
Kai stood up and said 'Hey! What the fuck is the matter?!'
He had forgotten about Santa, who was hosed in the back
His reindeer were on the roof, with the sled and sack.

'Santa! Your drunk, what about Christmas?' She cried
'Well Lettuce, Christmas will still come' Kai lied.
Lettuce teared up, 'But how, with Santa like this?'
'You ask too many questions, about everything and Christmas'

'Now Santa, what is your problem' Kai asked with a glare
'Oh nothing Kai, you needn't care.'
'Now Santa, you're really are a sad piece of shit,
Let us help you....... you sad piece of shit.'

'All of the toys you spent all year making,
tomorrow every girls and boys heart will be breaking!'
'I'm taking the night off', Santa practically shouted
'No reason to be such a vag about it'
'Don't you understand? Don't you comprehend!'
You could see Courtney was really driven around the bend

'You'll never reach all the houses tonight!'
'Santa, you'll be a failure.' 'That sounds about right'
'Shut up Kai', she hit me on the arm too
'DON'T WORRY SANTA! I'LL SAVE CHRISTMAS FOR YOU!'

Lettuce scrambled to the roof and jumped in the sleigh
Kai walked after her, stumbling along the way
'Come on reindeer, lets go!' she made ridiculous sounds
Kai realized how important he was to have around

Kai joined Lettuce in the sleigh
He called to the reindeer and picked up the reigns

'On Waxer, On Penis, On Splasher, and Penith!
On Penith! And Penith! And Penith! And Penith!'
The reindeer were confused and not used to this way
'I'll fuck you with a rake if you don't start pulling this sleigh!'

The reindeer took off and into the sky
Lettuce cried out, 'Oh thank you Kai,
I knew you'd come through, I knew you were nice'
'First stop is the liquor store, don't worry, I'll steal some Smirnoff Ice'

'First stop is Gabbys house', Lettuce said taking hold of the reigns
'God you always have to be THAT girl, you're such a pain'
Lettuce was happy the sleigh was cruising
Kai was in the back continuing his boozing

Lettuce crashed onto the rooftop and Kai stumbled around
'I'm just gonna go ahead and take whatever fine booze Gabby has abound'
'You will not, and try not to be seen by children, or people in general'
'Don't worry if I do, I'll just whip out my genitals.'

'Here Kai,' Lettuce said 'take Gabbys skates'
'Skates? What is she eight?'
'Don't be an asshole, just put them under the tree'
'Fine, fuck, but first I'm taking a wee'

As Kai went off Gabbys roof, Lettuce piled the boxes
Kai would follow her, and as a joke bring foxes
They would thrash and bite at her eyes
But it didn't slow Lettuce, Kai found with surprise.

Lettuce got in and said, while eating a pickle
'Quick Kai, get in, it's time to see Nicole!'
'Here is Nicoles new sled with a bell'
'God doing this must be what it's like in Hell'

Lettuce grabbed the box that contained new pants for Vina
Kai meanwhile drank a funky cold medina
'It's cold out and I'm almost out of booze,
If we don't rob a liquor store soon, I'm selling your shoes'

'Quiet Kai, Janis has new pastels, we need to deliver,
Get over on that roof, quit pretending to talk to your liver.'
Lettuce was getting unruley, and that made Kai think
It's time to drop this bitch off, and get something to drink.

As Lettuce brought Karla an inflatable brontosaurus
Kai took the sleigh and started singing in Chorus
He sang and he shouted 'It's hi-ho-silver lining'
Lettuce just stood there on the roof, whining.

Lettuce looked through the list for something she could do
What could she still deliver, and if so, who to?
There it was! Right on the list, it shone with gleam
-COFFEE With lots of whipped cream. Extra whipped cream. Coffee. Lots of whipped cream. Cream. And Coffee. In a glass mug. For here. Coffee with whipped cream.

Lettuce sprung into action, and went down to water ladies house
She dunked 16 packs of sugar in the cup quiet as a mouse
She added whipped cream, three feet high
She bolted from the house as morn was nigh

She caught up with Kai, who had gotten a jetski
(a black one, with chrome, and tinted glass, and heated leather seats)
She searched the sleigh for her present with glee
She asked with tears in her eyes, 'Kai, have you seen a pony?'
'Ya, but it was addressed to someone named Courtney'

'I'M Courtney! And that was my pony, where has it gone?'
'I sold it to buy this jetski, it cost me a ton.'
Lettuce realized she didn't care, for the pony that were
She had saved Christmas for someone far less fortunate than her.

That was when she saw her, the water lady
She hobbled down the street, looking crazy
She walked up to Lettuce and said
'Can I have a water! Lots of ice! In a glass cup. Lots of ice. Extra Ice. Water. Lots of water. With Ice. And there's a mess over there, you should clean it up.'

Kai is the author of the Harry Potter books, he lives on his own island with his wife and jetski.

So anyway, I got back into Calgary, left my netbook in the Calgary airport, got engaged to Cheryl, then spent the past little bit trying to plan a wedding, and by planning a wedding I mean, Cheryl planned and I nodded in agreement. But still it was a lot of work. So I've been busy, and I don't type at a desktop, that's ridiculous. So I am now married and all that. And we're moving to Canada so I can go to school... eventually. But I feel that this conversation is getting just a little to emotional for me, so I'm gonna break things up with Penis penis penis Chicka waka woo woo... penis.

So I've been trying to convince my friend how to make it big in the photography biz. See he's been doing it as a hobby since high school. Taking pictures of cars and buildings. Now he gets paid to take care of naked women. So I suggested getting a walrus in his next photoshoot. He said 'Like in lingerie?'

'No!' I screamed, 'That would be ridiculous.' And it would.

Think about it, you see a poster, with a girl wearing nothing, posing on top of a walrus. You would buy that poster. As would I. He'd be on Oprah. Probably end up a millionaire. But apparently I'm 'insane'.

So, it's the same old. In Tampa, thinking of the world, and how I finally got what I wanted. Now back to the material stuff that I don't need. And there is a long list of that.

Speak again, Ojala

Stick Deodorant. It's where it's at. So I secretly arrived in Clearwater beach Florida on Wednesday. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't need any opinions of why I am flying here. So first thing I did, go to the store and get stick deodorant. I haven't used the stuff in a year, and I miss it, very much.

As you all remember (because you all went back and read my blog from day 1, because I'm basically brilliant) I left all my stuff in Calgary. Next time I'm bringing a ton of stick deodorant with me.

I also got carded the first time in like 5 years here. Which was excellent because I was meeting Cheryls mom for the first time. Not that it was bad in anyway, just a double Jameson on the rocks would have made it so much easier for me. I mean really, I don't know what she's thinking. She might think that her daughter met this younger Canadian who filled her head with all his nonsense. For all she knows I told her to quit her job, fly to Australia, and told her ideas about dogsleds and socialize health care. Of course anyone who knows Cheryl would know she does as she pleases, but not all parents 'know' their kids.

Luckily that went ok. I'm meeting her dad in about 12 hours or so. This time I'm bringing my ID with me. I will be having a drink. And a nap in between now and then. I'm bloody tired, I don't know why I was up at 3:30... but I was.

It was a really bad storm, Cheryl guesses about 60mph winds. Which is pretty sweet for a Calgarian. However, she did wake me up at about 1am to go check on the patio furniture, which was outside and had been flipped over in the wind. I went out and flipped the rest over (it was going there anyway) and tried to make sure it wouldn't blow around anymore and hit the glass.

I slept great through the storm, Cheryl didn't. There'd been tornado warnings all over the place, and so she was pretty worried about that. Specially since we are 15 stories up.

I do have to say though, we went out to Tijuana flats, some Mexican restaurant. Anyway a beer, a large coke, 2 meals, $20. This is why America is so popular. I had a strange craving for things I had missed. Like Sweet chilli Doritos, Lays BBQ chips, Canolli and cheese cake. So we went to Publix and bought it all. Cheryl had a horrified look on her face, she had obviously never went shopping like this before. However I was delighted to find out this gigantic mound of awesome came to $30. mmm French Onion dip... this is what life is all about. God bless America.

We did see a Ford Caprice jacked up so it could fit lo-pros on about 35 inch rims... You just know you're in Florida.

We went out to Island Way Grill the other night. I had read mixed reviews of the place, and as always I ignored them. Cheryl is a huge fan of listening to what other people have to say, I'm the complete opposite. For instance, I remember reading a review of the Flight Deck. And as you all know that was my place of business before I left. Some jackass was whining away about how 10 cent wings, you had to have a drink for every dozen you ordered. Well who goes to the bar and nobody in his party orders a drink? What kind of loser are you anyway? Whenever I had 10 cent wing night, I'd say, 'Well I guess I'll only get a dozen for now.' And they'd say, 'Kai, we're fairly confident you'll be able to have 20 dozen by the end of the night, so you just order as many as you please.'

And it's always those sort of morons that take the time to write a review. That's why I refuse to read what some ritzy accountant or something equally as boring has to say about anything. I ate street food in Bangkok for Christs sake, I'm not of your kind.

And as I predicted, Island way grill is a lovely place. It costs next to nothing (another thing they said in the reviews was that it was SOOO much money), the food as good, and large portions. The day I pay $8 for a giant plate of Calamari, and think wow, what a rip off. Give me a break. Go to Australia...

So it's day break now, and I've ate about 2 dozen cookies. It actually is a decent day outside. Cheryls up now, so I must go. Time to sit down with coffee and read Google news. Wah wah wah, Renmimbi is doing so well, China should take one for the team. :p Drinking coffee, overlooking the ocean, in this foul year of our Lord, 20 hundred, and 10...

So I'm in the open air bar, called the Safety Stop. It has free wifi and white people everywhere. This is a very different Thailand than what I have seen so far. This is where all the white people went after the violence in Bangkok. It's just a bit ridiculous if you ask me. But with free wifi, and one of the only places on the island with that, it looks like this is my new home bar. Strange, late, boozy nights at this place wouldn't be too bad. I'll bring the mozzie spray. I went out last night in Chumphon and got ate pretty bad.

The good news about this bar is it's 5 minutes from my hut. I mean I could do what all the other white people do and rent scooters. They are cheap enough, but lets be honest, last thing I wanna drive around is a buncha fucking tourists. They stand around in the street like this is some fucking dude ranch. This is probably why they aren't in Bangkok anymore. You don't stand in that city. You do not congregate. That is how you get run over in Bangkok. Taking a taxi from the pier to my hut was ridiculous. Also it cost me 200 baht. Though, I hate walking with a backpack and another 30 pound duffel bag, specially in 40 degree heat. So if it cost's $6 to drive me to the door, so be it.

The other thing I don't like about these public bars is white people. You get these people in here talking away to you. Like listen hunny, #1, I'm writing an extensive message to my GIRLFRIEND (gf is code for fuck off, none of them understand this though. Of course they're able to crack the code fuxy slot), and #2 I'm a doctor of literature and you're standing on my shadow. He can't fucking breathe. Fuck off.

You see the seat next to me is taken by my laptop case. This chick just up and moves it. Like seriously, what does she think this is? The white people are trying to crowd me. I don't appreciate these acts of gentrification.

And again, I'm a professional. I know you're here to relax and hang out under the blood red sun, and that's ace. But my bungalow isn't a place to come over to. Nor do I wanna hang out at yours tonight. And yes, I know Cheryl told me to talk to people. But I'm really in no mood for this unnecessary chit chat. I knew I shoulda splurged for one of the other companies that have wifi for their huts.

Maybe I am anti social lately. Could be Cheryl going back to the States, or just the fact I don't like dealing with 40C everyday with no AC. It'll be so exciting later tonight, when now, drunk white girls come up to me and bother me. I didn't get on that plane there in Sydney, fly for 9 hours, to get off and say G'day mate.

This is exactly why I don't date white girls. Well besides Cheryl. She's different. But other than that, I have no patience for this nonsense. Other than that this is a really nice little place. Well besides the no AC thing, but other than that, it's really a nice little place. Right on the beach, good food, good drinks, and free wifi. I forgot to put on mozzie spray again, so I just went and bought some. All natural citronella oil... see how this stuff works.

I'm also going to stock up on sunglasses here as I tend to lose them, and they're $3 for nice ones. This German girl was just talking to me. She said she has a boyfriend at home, who is an investment banker. She then explained that I love my laptop just like he does, and this looks like I'm doing very serious work. If she only knew that most of my writing is just manic gibberish.

It's funny to see the locals here, opposed to the locals in Bangkok. Every Thai person here has a very nice brand new truck. The ones that have bikes, have proper bikes, not scooters or dirt bikes. You can tell how much better they do here. It is an island so they know they can charge more, but not only that, it's a white person island, so they know they can charge more. They know charging 80 baht for phad thai is still a good deal to us, and we will pay it. I'm actually surprised how developed it is here. The streets are very clean, the shops insist on you taking off your shoes. It doesn't have the dirt or the grime of Bangkok. There are also no street vendors here. A lot of shops are small and face the street, but no one has a cart on the front of their bike here.

I may go snorkel again here. It's only $15 to go out for the day. Been so long since I've been in the water. I went quickly at Abel Tasman, but it was far too cold. I do miss the sea. On the high speed ferry coming over I was falling asleep on the top deck. The wind blowing my hair back. Flying fish jumping out of the water around the boat.

So yesterday I left Bangkok. I took a cab to the bus terminal which I managed to get for 200 baht. Caught a very nice coach to Chumphon for 350 baht. The coach included snacks, drinks and lunch. A good lunch, in a restaurant. I was the only white guy on the coach, which is usually a good sign. In Thailand it is an epidemic, the stealing of white peoples luggage. You hear all kinds of stories from white people who were looking for the best deal, and wanted to save $1 on a 7 hour coach ride... Always go with a big company, they might charge a little more (seriously, it's like a $1) but you get food, sleep, and comfort knowing your luggage will be ok. I couldn't believe the chairs on this coach went all the way back, and had foot rests that came up too. It wasn't close to being full so I was able to get some sleep.

I stayed overnight in Chumphon, it was so cheap there that I slurged on a deluxe room. It was $12 for the 3rd nicest room in the town. I was picked up at the ferry terminal and driven for free in the back of a 1990 Nissan truck (which is a legitimate taxi in Thailand), when he pulled up I was like Oh... great. The place was gorgeous, marble floors, 2 Mercedes parked outside and a BMW. This was obviously where the rich stayed. So when I saw that the 3rd best room was only $12, I went for it.

I got up at 5:30 and took another free ride in the back of a truck to the ferry. That was 550 baht, but still not anything compared to what I would have spent if this was Australia or NZ. I highly suggest going to the islands when you come to Thailand. They have all kinds, ones that have nothing for the real rugged types. And ones like Ko Tao, the middle of the road. And Phucket, home of the rich.

I am leaving soon. Something to do with Corinthians. Which is what will bring me home. Almost a year on the road. Sometimes there are more important things in life than temples and cheap booze. I always said I wouldn't play the game. I could always win, but I was always too stubborn for that. It's all well and good for someone who is single to frustrate everyone around him. But when you have someone else to think about, you have to stop proving you could do something, and just do it.

This bird you cannot change.

Speak again, Ojala

So being in Bangkok is interesting. There's a lot of drinks to be had. A lot of noise, specially with the rioters, and a lot of food. Now I wasn't going to talk about this, but I decided, fuck it. I am, afterall, a man, alone, in Bangkok, with a hunger for rice and thirst for drinks. So the other night, I'm out in the street getting dinner at 2am, as you do. Then I decide I'm going back to the hostel. I need to go to bed. On the way I passed 4 street stalls which were bars. Well by the time I got to the 4th one, there was nothing I could do. Thing about Sukhumvit is it's mostly Thai here.

I mean it's very grimy, and dirty, and from what I hear it smells. There's the occassional small elephant taking a dump in the street (I shit you not). And in general it's not a place for tourists. Old creepy white expats, yes, tourists, no.

See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTrWxUr1udM" for details

So I'm out drinking with 5 Thai people sitting around this table. We're talking about everything, and I start to mention I'm getting tired. 'Red Bull!' shouts Jat. His name was Jat...something. All I caught was Jat, and that's what he was called.

Now Red Bull in Thailand is more like the mini red bulls you see. The ones where you just need a tiny taste to get a full hit. They use this like we use double cans. Now it could have been the Thai rhum... which in itself is dangerous and frightening on all kinds of levels. But it was most likely the Red Bull. So next thing I know. I'm at a Thai house party. No one is speaking English, because they're far too drunk for that. So I'm working my corner filling shot glasses up out of a small pale of rhum and hitting out of this bottle of Red Bull.

I'm a little sketchy on details. But I remember Minnie talking to me, in Thai, and me staring at her trying to figure out what she's saying. I'm not sure what happened next, but there was some sort of banter, and next thing I know I have Jat handing me a shot. 'drink! drink!' And then the cheering.

Last thing I remember about this night was being brought home to my hostel in a wheel barrow, making sounds like a raccoon at 7am. I was still awake at 8am talking away to people online. I was once again on some sort of strange carousel, my bed was going up and down and around and round. One night in Bangkok indeed.

What we need to talk about, is my hostel booking. I have consistantly booked hostels in bad neighborhoods. Right from Londons East side when I started, down to Christchurch ghetto. This was not planned, I just have a knack for it. And to be honest, I feel comfy here. In Christchurch Cheryl said, 'So you know, those townhouses next to us rent for $60/week' I knew, I just wasn't gonna say anything, in hopes of not being hit for booking another ghetto hostel.

Well Cheryl has since left me due to a misunderstanding. I won't bore you with the details but basically she misunderstood Abbey Road to be the best Beatles album... Abbey Road... please. So I am in Bangkok alone, in the ghetto.

I see the Red Shirts everyday. Everytime the government pisses them off, they head off through Sukhumvit over to the touristy areas or goverment buildings or TV buildings. Thousands of them in trucks and scooters. And everytime the goverment pisses them off, happens about everyday. Noisey fuckers.

Everyone bugged me. Kai the area you're in looks really shady, Kai can't you just once hang out with other white people, would it kill you? Well turns out it would.

Yesterday the Red Shirts were out rallying as usual in Khao San Road, the white mart of Bangkok. All the fancy stores and hostels and very touristy. All the white people are in Khao San. The military shot up the street. They injured 600 people, and last count was 20 dead. The lucky tourists watched from their balconies of their hostels, the unlucky ones felt the whiz of bullets just a few feet away from them. Nothing has been published as to tourists dying. A Japanese reporter was killed in the firefight though.

I definitely would have been down there taking pictures, had I not been too lazy to go all the way to Khao San to hang out with a buncha white people. I am a professional, afterall, and so it would have been my duty to document the event. Just the day before I was told at the tea shop, how I should go to Khao San because that's where white people go. I then explained that I'm not a white person and I didn't get on that plane in Australia, fly for 9 1/2 hours to get off and say How're ya goin, Mate?

And I know, tons of Red Shirts hang out in Sukhumvit, being as that they're working class heroes, and Sukhumvit is working class Thailand. However, they're off duty here. They don't rally here, they don't have Beerhall pusches here, and they don't take over here. Taking over Sukhumvit for leverage, would be like deporting Avril Lavigne for leverage. Nobody cares about Sukhumvit. As far as the government is concerned, they can all kill each other here.

Try not to be alarmed, and try not to worry about me, I'm good at poor neighborhoods. Not so good at riots. As long as there's immigrants, I'm ok. Anyway time for a shower, I've spent all afternoon in the lobby drinking and planning my island hopping adventure. Even though I'm not in the sun, it's still 40 degrees down here. And definitely, need a shower.

Speak again, Ojala.

86

So I've been here just over 12 hours, and I've already turned into a cheap ass. Exclaiming quite loudly to the poor chick at Starbucks 'HOW MUCH!' when she said my Venti iced mocha was going to cost me 130 baht (about $4). Let me explain how I got there.

So I came into Thailand, greeted by the first smiling customs agents in the world. I flew Emirates in, and even though I was economy, I cannot state enough how amazing the flight was. Even better than Singapore. If you ever get the chance, and they sometimes do have reasonably priced flights, please book them, you will thank me. So I go through the airport, take out a few thousand Baht, and I get tackled by little Thai women trying to sell me a taxi to my hostel. I say alright, sure, how much to Sukkhumvit? 950 Baht! (30 bucks), what do you think this is? Australia?

So I went outside and haggled for a public taxi. I managed to grab one for about 6 dollars. I cannot express the joy I felt, and the strange feeling of getting into a pink cab, with a big LED ridden cat in the back window and a giant spoiler on the back. The next feeling I felt was fear. I checked the speedometer, 90km/h. It's not that fast, however somewhere between the car that feels like it's on the verge of stalling at any moment, bumpy roads, almost getting side swiped by a riced out semi, and the barricades with Humvees and APCs, 90km/h just seemed like 400. We weaved in and out of traffic for a good hour before coming into the street where my hostel was. At the end of it hookers surrounded the cab, that or girls who just wanted a taxi really bad, I'm not sure, but the driver was yelling to 'up the window'. We drove down the street past the night markets, it was 2:45am. He started harassing the locals for directions to the hostel. They would just wave him on down the street. I don't speak Thai, but my mastery of body language and tone translated to 'Just keep fucking going, dumbass'

We went to the end, couldn't find it, turned around to go back. Some crazy man came running up to the cab, jumps in, and starts yammering on in Thai. I had absolutely no idea what was going on. Then we pulled up to this alley, and he says 'HI that way'

I collected my bags and went inside. Yelled at the mongrel dogs in the alley, and then walked into the hostel. I greeted the happiest person I've ever met at 2:45am. He was incredibly happy to check me in, and it was a little freaky. I have since found out, this is just how Thai people are. I went upstairs, went online briefly, there was 2 girls staying in my room, I knew this because shit was everywhere. Guys don't spread out and make themselves at home. They also don't have pink lace thongs hanging from the bed rails. But they were no where to be found, obviously Thailand is a place to be out at night, which widely contrasts Australia and New Zealand, which shut down around 12.

I was still wired, mostly from the insane amount of whiskey and Pepsi I had on my flight. I decided to go out to the stalls in the street to see what was for sale. I was hungry after all. I was in no mood to be ripped off, so I was going to lose it if any of my food came to more than 400 baht ($12)

I walked past a bubble tea stand, a desert fruit stand, skewer stand, and onto a stand which looked like it was serving curry. I asked for the spiciest curry, and rice, she managed to rope me into getting a fried egg as well. I grabbed a half liter, half frozen bottle of fruit juice. Looking at the food I fully expected to pay about $12 for it. As in Australia I would have paid about $30. That's when she came out of no where, and confused me. I thought she had said 50 baht ($1.50). I said '350?' 'Nonononono 50 baht 50 five zero'

Seriously?

She started to cook it right in front of me in a little wok. Stirring it while yelling at one of the Thai clientele. Thai's speak very much like Vietnamese. They always sound like it's an argument. Which can be upsetting if you don't understand. I had asked for the spiciest curry to be extra extra spicy. A trick I've picked up over the years. If you ask for extra spice, they make it mild. Extra extra spice, they know you're a professional and make it to a proper degree. In Thailand this is wrong. I ate from the same lady today at 2pm. This time I ordered just regular. Extra extra spicy in Thailand means, Holy dear God. I can handle my hot food, but that was way hotter than anything I could make.

I walked back to the hostel, now close to 4, and my room mates still hadn't came back yet. I went on my computer, sent off a few messages to some people to let them know I was alright, and around 5am they stumbled in to the room, and crashed out into bed.

Free AC in the room. Thank God for that. They say to keep it at 25, which is a nice temperature to sleep in. When I landed it was 31 degrees and 100% humidity. When I woke up at 10am, it was almost 40. I thought Australia was bad. This is hotter than hell.

I woke up and had a much needed cold shower. Things you don't see in the night. Like power lines, 4 feet off the ground, thousands of them in a twisted mess. The street vendors hadn't came out yet and trying to find food at noon, I had a very limited choice. I ended up walking around. Grabbed some bubble tea, for about $1. Wandered around getting my bearings of the neighborhood. I began looking around for a Thai massage place. I needed one desperately, and wasn't about to pay some Australian the ridiculous price they charge.

OK Massage. No. I want Fucking Great Massage, where's that at. I found one. Beyond Asian Herbal Spa. Aces. I went in, really went all out and got one of their more expensive ones. 90 minute massage, 30 minutes herbal bag, 30 minute herbal sauna. $10. Seriously. 10 fucking dollars for 2 ½ hours at the spa. You get tea before, then hop into a shower, change into linen, and lay down on a bed, with AC in the room, dim lights, and relaxation music. This was obviously one of the more luxury places, as most of the massage places were in a little shop. This was 4 floors high of total bliss.

So while you get your massage the herbal bags are steaming away filling up the room with what I believe are lovely scents. I wouldn't know as I can't smell, but I'm sure they're lovely. 'You no relax' I heard this over and over, which she would cure by grabbing the back of my neck with her little hand and rubbing. I would then tense up again 10 minutes later, and she'd say it again. 'You no relax.'

It was by far the best massage I have ever received. She talked away to me for awhile, where I was from, then complimenting me. 'Man with big eyelashes, means very kind heart.' 'Man with blond hair and blue eyes, gets very much attention in Thailand.' She didn't mention the scars, or the breaks in the bone. But she would go softer around them, and gently massage them. She recognized they were there, but unlike a white girl, wouldn't ask. I like that about girls from Asia or South America. It is very rude to ask something like that in their culture. So they don't. American girls or Australia girls, they always wanna know, but try to be polite about it. And East Euros are the worst. No shame in asking what it's from, and the smart ass comment when you lie to them and they see right through it.

Then the bags wrapped in clothes and pressed all over your body. Then the head massage with a hot cloth with herbs. Finish up in the sauna, grab another shower, and head downstairs for more tea before leaving. This really is what life is all about. I decided to be brave and try out a scooter taxi. I told him I wanted to go for an hour tour of Bangkok and then back to my hostel on Soi 38. If I thought driving in a taxi was scary, Jesus, I cannot explain the fear you feel, bouncing around, 90km/h on the back of a scooter, and holy shit, did someone rice out a dump truck? They did... Leave it to the fucking Orientals to put blue underglow on a dump truck. It was about 6pm and was getting pretty dark by the time I got in. Still a little shaky from the scooter taxi, which only cost me 200 baht, with no haggling. You really have no idea how scary it is.

I got out and walked back toward the shops. I gave crossing the street a try. I had been to scared earlier, and went a round about way, and used a walking overpass. There is no white man walking sign in Bangkok. No button to press. And not even any street lights. I stood next to a Thai women at the cross walk. Then she started walking. Cars were still coming but I stayed right next to her. My brain knew this was wrong, but I tried calming it explaining, she must know what she's doing. Cars flew past us on either side with only half a foot clearance. We stood in the middle of the 5 lane highway, on one of the white dotted lines, before making it the rest of the way across.

I passed the shop selling fake Ralph Lauren polos for $4 each. Which was next to the shop selling fake Rolex's for $6 each. Thailand is truly a happy city though. The street vendors aren't as I expected. They will bargain with you, but not like South Americans. They aren't as pushy, or in your face. For the most part, the Thai people are very happy to help you, even if it's not for money. Karma will come back around after all.

I like Bangkok for what it is. A big city, where it is fairly expensive still. Though to be fair, the next week including accommodation will probably cost me around $200. And that's mostly because I'm going to be spending 2 ½ hours at the spa everyday. Trying to spend $200 a week just on accomodation in NZ or Australia is a truly under estimated goal. You can't, and if you can, it's not much under $200. Nam is going to be about half this price. And I like that very much.

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble. Perhaps. But mostly it's the getting killed in traffic that's humbling. She also wasn't lying what she said about blond and blue eyed. There's angels sliding up next to me all the time. Sitting around in 40 degree heat, typing away, drinking beers that cost 50 cents from the bar down the street. The way Thailand works, you wake up at noon, breakfast at 2, lunch at 6 and dinner at midnight. It is not unusual to be eating a bowl of the freshest juiciest coconut and mangoes, in coconut milk and rice, at 3am for desert. That is what I will be doing tonight.

One night in Bangkok and the worlds your oyster. Indeed.

Speak again, Ojala.

So I went to see the Opera house, and got my picture in front of it, I figure if I have to see the silly thing, last thing I want is for someone to contest, 'but were you really there?'

I was, and as expected, underwhelmed. I enjoyed Sydney for what it was. A city. Something that I haven't seen in quite some time. Cairns was nice, but it was a large town, Sydney was more what Calgary was for me. Real malls, real restaurants, Starbucks. I haven't seen a Starbucks in 8 months. Nobody should go to Sydney for the opera house, seriously. Even if you're really into opera, you'd know that the plans were read wrong and it's acoustics are useless in there. There is never a reason to go see that. $4.00 for a pint of Guinness however, is something to see. Make sure you go to Sydneys oldest pub.

I'm now on route to New Zealand. Regretting it more and more as the minutes pass. I never intended on going there, as, it's New Zealand... really? It's kind of like saying, 'I've always wanted to go to Wales!' Nobody says that unless they're from Wales. And as long as it stays that way I'll continue to pay 2 pound a pint in Cardiff. So shhh, my secret.

But mostly because of apathy, I decided to go along with a bus trip around the Southern island. Why not, I'm here already. May as well, sounds like a good ticket. One of the benefits to being totally apathetic as to where you are, as long as they serve booze, is that you appear very easy going. However I remember trying to find a double Jameson on the rocks in a dry town in Alberta, you have no idea how hard that drive was up to the next town for that poor Russian girl.

Cheryl said that we'd need to book our tickets to Thailand, so we could get into New Zealand. Book tickers ahead of time? Please, I haven't done that once yet. As long as we give them an ETA, we'll be fine. I mean look at Australia, I walked in, they didn't even check if I really did have a work visa. And this is Australia, if New Zealand gets bitchy, I'll show them my bank account and say 'Heh, please, you think I'd want to stay in THIS country?'

So the trouble started when we went to check in. Apparently you do need tickets out of New Zealand even to check in. Because 'A lot of people try to sneak in, it's a great country, and I don't care if you can afford 5 first class flights around the world, you need a ticket.'

I bit my tongue, but for the record, my answers to that were 'I doubt that, no it's not, and you're an idiot.' It's New Zealand, for Christ's sake. This is like Saskatchewan back home. All I hear in Alberta is how great Saskatchewan is. Then when I say, 'Alright, why not go back there then and quit fucking bugging me.' Nooooooo. The reason being, deep in their hearts they knew why they left. Cheer for Rough Riders all you want, you left Saskatchewan, nobody is blaming you. I've been there, I know how shitty it is. You don't have to lie.

It's New Zealand, it isn't amazing, and is going to be pretty good, at best. Get off yourself. I mean really, I spent the past 8 months in the Sunshine coast. I decided not to go and get citizenship there because it was too backwards, even Aussies make fun of kiwis. I am not going to be surprised if I arrive there and it is like the first 20 minutes of Borat.

So we rushed to the computers, to go buy tickets back to Sydney. This took awhile, as we're using Aussie computers and Aussie internet. Which I've already explained at length, is 3rd world, 30 years ago.

So we paid $500 each to get tickets back to Sydney, which was odd being as that our flight was $200 to NZ, and they want to tell me people love NZ, statistics don't fucking lie. Of course there was no paper in the printer and we figured we should print it out, cause after all, we want no more trouble. So now I am racing around the airport trying to find printer paper, because naturally the printer is out of paper. SHOCKER.

We print it out, go upstairs to check in, and she's got to look up our Visas to make sure we can come back into Australia, so we won't be stranded in NZ. (again, give me a break) I found this odd because, getting into Australia, they didn't even look up our Visas. So that took a good 10 minutes or so. Then going through the line up. An Asian was almost tackled for taking pictures of his iPhone of customs, he was then asked 'Why are you taking all of these pictures?' He's fucking Chinese! Why do you think he taking so many pictures?

Regardless, I thought, this is it! I finally get to figure out why it is that every Asian takes so many fucking pictures! He stared blankly at her and she deleted his pictures. It's still a fucking mystery. He should have said 'I'm Chinese?' That woulda cleared that right up. Have you never seen an Asian? He's not a terrorist, trust me, when head cams have a storage capacity big enough to record weeks at a time, Asians will be the first to rock that out, and document their entire lives.

So we finally get through customs, run to the gate, and get on board just in time. Which sucked cause I haven't eaten yet, and I'm starving. This should have been an easy day, with at least an hour to eat. This was not. So I get on the flight, and I order food, which of course comes to far more than what I would have paid on land, but who cares. I am after all, living the dream, going to New Zealand. I'm still not sure who's dream it is, but apparently a lot of people want this. I'm still not sure who.

The flight is a third full, and everyone is paying with kiwi dollars. I've concluded that the only people going to New Zealand on this flight, were kiwis who were denied citizenship to Australia. Also seeing the kiwi dollars, was much like the first time I saw Pakistani dollars. They look like Canadian bills from the 50s, cept more ghetto. That's right, I went through all this trouble to go to New Zealand, when I could have went to Kazhikstan and been much better off. What kind of crazy mind games are these people into? And you're telling me, that I missed out on my Big mac meal supersized with a sprite, a triple cheeseburger and a McChicken with extra mayo because I had to book flights out of there?

Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining. I'm sure New Zealand will be a nice change, though being as that Aussies make fun of it, I'm certain it's even more 3rd world than Australia. And if that's the case that still leaves me with the question, why? I was alright going and seeing a place, enjoying it, and then leaving, why all this trouble to see a place, that really, isn't all the high on most of the places to see before you die. Strange and curious. This place is where James Cameron filmed Lord of the Rings. Maybe it is a place for professionals and I am after all, a professional.

We have a tour booked, to take us off the beaten track. So hopefully this will produce some interesting times. Some chilly times. It's been a long time since I've had to deal with 19 degrees mid day. Cheryl is ecstatic, Floridians, strange pleasures in the average. At least there will be no more problems with whether or not a hostel has AC.

So I trek on, soon to be Asia. For that I cannot wait. I've had enough of this expensive travel. It's time to go to a country that understands me. A place for tea, and cheap beers, and of course pho bo sate. With so much nuoc cham it turns red. Despite my brain telling me otherwise, I am about to enter into the great land, of New Zealand.

Speak again, Ojala.

We arrived in Cairns on St pattys day. 6pm. After a 32 hour bus ride. No time to sleep, just shower, clean up, shave, and find the nearest Guinness. It was going to be a Goddamn miracle if we could get that by 7pm. Every other year I had taken a week off for St Pattys day. By the time something like this hit, I'd have been drinking a good couple days atleast.

So we went down the street in hopes of finding The Woolshed for a $12 meal before we went to PJ O' Briens. We got lost. Found PJ O'Briens (which we later found out was right across the street from The Wooldshed), sat down for burgers and pints. Cheryl had gotten us seats outside, while I went into the line for food. She had conveniently sat next to a couple from Calgary. One who used to frequent my neighborhood.

Was strange to talk to someone from around there, as the closest to Canadian I've seen the past 8 months has been Toronto. And we are not the same country. St Pattys day in Cairns was stupid. It was full of young tourists, which definitely did not help the situation. I'm totally ok with finding out that my girlfriend is a prostitute every Halloween. I've gotten used to the concept of girls being a slutty cat, or a slutty wonder woman, or a slutty vampire or whatever. I was not used to seeing girls wearing green rash tops, no bra, the tightest pants I've ever seen, with slits cut all over them, no thong (and yes, when the pants are that tight, you'd know), and knee high hooker boots.

Not that I'm particularly complaining, all I'm saying it was odd to see. Of course along with that came the drunken angry fool. I've been celebrating St Pattys day a long time. With Irish, all over Canada. Very rarely have I seen so many angry drunks. Usually there's one Russian idiot someone brings along, but his friends don't even have to say anything, he orders the Russian a cab as soon as he steps out of line.

I walked in to the bar to get a drink, and heard all the greatest songs that weren't even close to being Irish. Which was weird for a bar that claimed to be an Irish bar. I mean in Calgary last year I was at a bar that played Brown Eyed Girl and thought that would make the cut. It didn't. But was 100 times more Irish than American Pie. It was an absolute outrage. I however, was much too tired for this nonsense. I had barely slept, been on a bus almost 2 days. And couldn't be bothered getting into fights over song choices. There was also a problem with the bouncers. Every one of them was an asshole. Then there was a situation at the bar. Normally I would be hauled out of a place like that in about 5 seconds. But I'm a changed man as of late, and I have taken the road of not fighting. I then sent Cheryl in to get the drinks from then on.

We eventually left, went back to the hostel, and went to bed. We had a day off before leaving at some ungodly hour to go to the reef. So we went to the mall, bubble tea, Jesus, I haven't had that in months. I had no idea the horror that I would face ordering that. Blueberry flavoring, in water, with bad tapioca balls. I'm not sure if Australia got the memo, but that's not fucking bubbletea. What kind of nonsense is this. I mean sure, I usually drink the more tea flavored ones back home too, but this wasn't blueberry tea, this was just fucking bad. So typical of Australia.

We got up early and went out to the reef. It was rough outside as there was a Cat 5 Hurricane named, Ului that hit about 500km south of us. Which doesn't sound so bad, except when you see it on a map and the storm is bigger than Queensland.

The number of people seasick, was ridiculous. I thought I was bad for spinny, up and down, side to side rides. I was fine, in fact I was up on the 2nd floor of the boat. However with the swell being so bad, even though I was 15 feet above the water, and on the back of the boat, I was still getting soaked with water. The yacht was flying, probably 50km/h, and was getting air off of some of the waves. Trying to walk up the stairs was a horrendous act, and there was no way to make it look cool.

We finally got out to the reef, and jumped in. It was a horrible current and I had to swim like hell to get anywhere. Also trying to take pictures underwater with all the rain lately, visibility was not as good as it could have been. There was also the warning before going in. Explaining if we all knew what a cone shell looked like. Great. Now don't pick it up, because we will need to get you to a hospital in about 2 hours before you die. Don't touch the massive Box Jellyfish, Lions mane Jellyfish, or any tiny little ones the size of your fingernail. Those give you Irukandji syndrome. Which from what I understand, sucks.

We saw some really cool fish though, sea cucumbers, coral, stingrays, turtles, I didn't get to see any sharks though, the divers did, so they must have been below us. We were also warned about Salt Water Crocs, though he did say the chances of seeing one are almost none, but they have been spotted.

We also wore stinger suits, just in case. Was an easy choice. Spend $5 on a stinger suit, or run the risk of getting hit with anything drifting through the water. I would have loved to see a Blue Ring Octopus out there, but saw none. There is also a fish with huge teeth like a rabbit that bite you if you come in range of it. I did see the fish, but it didn't bite me. It would have made an excellent story.

There is a lot of fun to be had in this world, and you can't sit around at home fearing for the Irukandji jellyfish. I have been in the Eastern Australian waters for 8 months now. Pretty much every day I went to the beach. Atleast once a week. I have seen sharks, jellyfish, stingrays, dolphins, turtles, and caught a 1kg mud crab. I have yet to be hurt in anyway by these creatures. It could just be because I'm amazing, or it could be that people are far too afraid of things.

You're all young, jump on a plane, apply for an Aussy work visa. Come down here and live and work for a year. You will have the time of your life. There is so much to see here. Or anywhere for that matter. Why are you still reading this Goddamnit! Go, fly, be free, the wall came down 20 years ago, why is the world still the same.

Speak again, Ojala

So we packed up and left Noosa. My home for the past 8 months. Was hard to leave, I mean as much as I wanted to go, Noosa was familiar. Was a nice town, I knew everything there was there, the barmen knew me. Which for those of you who aren't professionals, it's a good thing. And I am after all, a professional.

We decided to see some of Queensland and so the best way to do that is a 32 hour bus ride to Cairns. I had spent several hours on a coach from London to Cardiff, but never overnight. So we boarded the bus, and started our journey. 32 hours of what can only be described as some of the worst shitholes in Australia.

Noosa to Gympie, Gympie to Cooloola, Tin Can Bay, Maryborough. Maryborough looked like a strange town that never made it past 1950. Every building was from the 30s, all the houses had the large verandas, some of them probably dating back to the early 1900s. And even though they were run down, they were run down as to what they'd look like in 1950. It just stopped. I had half a mind to check the radio, only to hear Kay Starr and Johnny Ray. Some sort of strange pocket in time.

Maryborough to Aldershot, Sunshine Acres, Eli Waters, Torquay, Childers, Gin Gin, Mariam Ville, Gladstone, Rockhampton, on and on, every shitty town. We stopped in Bowen, some sort of horrible game was played on this town. They have a giant water tank on a hill that says Bowenwood. Do you know what's in Bowen? Nothing. Giru, the friendliest town on Earth, you know why it's so friendly? There's only 4 houses, and everyone's tired of talking to Old Lady Betsy about how intuitive her cats are.

More and more towns. Then, Innisfail. We have an Innisfail in Alberta, this place looks astronomically better than Innisfail, AB. What a piece of shit that town was. Few more towns, then Edmonton, we also have an Edmonton, it's our capital. This town is heaps better. But what a horrible place to be. Jesus, did I say heaps. I've been in Australia far too long. Heaps, what a stupid word.

Then just a flatout burn to Cairns. Cairns, the best place I've been so far in Australia. It has a mall, a real one, bars, restaurants, a harbour full of multimillion dollar yachts. Anything you could want. We paid an extra $16 so we could have a private room for 4 nights, which is also nice as a couple to have.

Tomorrow the reef!

Speak again, Ojala